Spray Tanning

In life, naked, spray tanning, wives on April 28, 2011 at 11:20 pm

I want to apologize to everyone for taking so long to write something new. I would say that I had a mild case or writer’s block, but in reality I was just at an unusual loss for anything clever to say. This was a shortlived condition however. I rarely remain at a loss for words.

So, anyway, let’s get to it.

My wife ordered equipment in order to start her own business. She now offers airbrush tanning in a mobile fashion. Nowadays, you can get that “all summer at the beach” glow having never left the comfort of your own home. Pretty cool side job actually. Of course, once the word gets out and she builds a strong client base it could turn into her main source of income. She seems to have quite the natural knack for it and the color combinations that she uses leaves her clients with a lovely caramel tint… not all “orangey” like some of those other liquid, synthetic sunlight applying agencies… but I digress.

The point is that she has the equipment and now needs clients; which she also seems to have no problem in acquiring… who knew sunless tanning was so popular.

Now here’s the kicker. Many women—so it would seem—that have this done would prefer to have no tan-lines; or at the very least they would only care to have tan-lines on the bottom, thus, going topless. You know, having their boobs bronzed.

Sorry about that last one, I couldn’t resist, but after all, I’m still a dude. They can’t take that away from me. My dudizems shall not go gently into that good night!

These first few sessions took place just a couple of nights ago at our home. I would say, oh, a half a dozen different women—either topless or naked—attended. Pretty good first day actually.

Well now, if you read my “About” section—wink wink, nudge nudge—you would have learned about my early days as a D.J. in the nightclub industry. See, a few years of spending your workday with strippers will pretty much de-sensitize you to nudity; and so I am. However, my wife’s new clients did not share this same sentiment at all.

So, if we connect the dots: wife starting a new business, attempting to make clients comfortable and happy, house full of women from six to…considerably older, at least one of them naked or topless acquiring her sunless glow, and me being the only man.  Yyyep, you got it; good old Jeff gets sequestered to unused parts of the house and efficient access to important places such as the kitchen cut off. If I need a sandwich or a nice, refreshing carbonated beverage, I must exit through the front door, circle around the house, and re-enter through the back door, then, through the laundry area, and finally on to the kitchen; making sure all the while to divert my eyes away from any open window that would allow me to see anything—or a possible reflection of anything—that would make anyone feel uncomfortable. All I can say is that I am thankful that we didn’t leave any un-attended rakes lying around outside or I could have been killed.

Not a total nightmare though, a couple of the ladies had some babies that were boys. So, for a while, I had someone to hang out with. After those guys took off I said “screw it”, and went to find my brother in-law, who I was sure was located in a place where you could release flatulence in the midst of conversation and spit on the floor. So there it is, folks, just another day in This World of Hurt.

  1. This is hilarious! I can just see it all now. You creeping around outside the window and a bunch of screaming females in the house……


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